Woman Skewers Herself With Carving Fork - SATIRE

Update - 11/30/09: Some of my family and friends were disturbed by this...This is how I imagined the news article would read if there had been a sharp object in my dishwasher the night a big spider crawled out of my sink while I was doing dishes...I thought it was pretty funny, but you can decide for yourself...

November 11, 2009 - New York - A 49-year old woman was found dead on her kitchen floor with a carving fork protruding from her abdomen. Her husband was quoted as saying, “She often stays up late and sometimes sleeps on the couch, so I wasn’t concerned when she didn’t come to bed.” He found her lying on the floor at 6:30am when he came downstairs to make coffee.

The police would not comment any further, except to say that they found a spider wrapped in a dish towel, crushed underneath her body. She was lying in front of her open dishwasher.

The medical examiner found bruising on her shins, knees, and her right thigh, hip and buttock. He speculated that while doing the dishes, Ms. Wells saw the spider and decided to trap it and take it outside. She must have forgotten she had opened the dishwasher and ran right into it. Unfortunately, the couple had a roast the previous evening and she had placed the carving fork with the tines facing upwards in the utensil rack. When she fell into the dishwasher, she must have landed on the carving fork, then fell to the floor which caused all of the bruising.

“It’s all my fault”, said her husband of 27-years, "I have repeatedly told her not to kill spiders. To think that this would ultimately lead to her own death is unfathomable. I’m devastated.”

Police are still investigating, but they are confident that this was just a tragic accident.

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OK, so obviously I didn't kill myself. There was no carving fork in the dishwasher, I eventually went to bed, and the police weren't called. However, everything else about the accident was true, except that I have no idea where the spider went. I ran into the dishwasher at full speed and bounced off of it, with my left side scraping the door before slamming into the floor on my hands and knees. The bruises are turning a lovely shade of purple and green.

Damn spider! Next time I'll just kill it.